Death is hard to talk about, and explaining death to children is even harder. We may be struggling to process the death ourselves. It can be challenging to find the strength for this difficult conversation when we are not feeling our best.
Taking the time to deliver the news of a loved one’s death to your child in a thoughtful way is crucial, especially if they do not yet understand what death is.
Understanding and processing death is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. As we contend with the loss of someone we loved, we may be thinking about our own mortality or the possibility of losing other loved ones. For children who are typically contending with these big feelings for the first time, it can be even more overwhelming.
How to Tell a Child a Loved One Has Passed
Explaining the death of a loved one to a child is a daunting task. We know this is a formative moment in our child’s life, and we do not want to tell them about it in a traumatizing way.
Know that you do not need to explain everything when you deliver the news. Your child can only process so much information about death at once. This will likely be the first of many conversations you have about the passing of your loved one.
From this news, your child may be processing what death is, that the people they love and rely on can die, and that they themselves can die. That is a lot to process! It may take some time for them to comprehend this information fully.
Be Direct
Death is a harsh reality, and we often cope with it by using euphemistic language. Rather than saying our loved one died, we say they “passed away” or even “went to sleep.” While this language allows us to speak about death with tact and sensitivity, it confuses children who are trying to understand the concrete details of what death means.
For example, we might want to tell a child that the family dog was “put to sleep.” This can cause confusion for a child who goes to sleep every night and wakes up again the next day. Instead, be direct, even if it feels awkward.
Be sure that your child understands that death means that your body stops working permanently. You can no longer breathe, eat, talk, or do anything else.
At the same time, do not overwhelm your child with too much information. It is okay if your child leaves the initial conversation without understanding every aspect of what death means.
You Can Show Emotion
It is okay to cry when you talk with your child about death. Death is sad, and you can model that it is okay to feel sad about death by not hiding your emotions.
You can tell your child about the feelings that caused you to cry in the moment – “I’m feeling sad because I remembered I can never hug Grandma again” – and explain that you may cry about it in the future because grieving can be a long process.
They are not only learning about death but also learning strategies for coping with loss, so showing your emotions is an opportunity to model a healthy relationship with grief. You can demonstrate that it is okay to feel your feelings about grief and show emotion.
Be Hopeful
Let your child know that life will still go on and that things will be okay. You might ask your child what events they are looking forward to in the future. You can remind them of upcoming holidays or trips or any other activity they might look forward to. If there are none on your calendar, consider planning more activities that your child enjoys, so they have things to look forward to. Keep them engaged in normal activities as much as possible. You want them to have a sense that, while this event is incredibly sad, normal life continues.
Remind Them They Are Loved by Many
The news that loved ones can die may raise some unpleasant questions for your child. They may be thinking about the possibility that one day all their loved ones could die and that they would be abandoned. Remind them of the many family members and close friends who love and care about them. Reassure them that there are people to look after them no matter what the future holds.
Keep Talking about It
You may think that you have thoroughly explained a death to a child, but then, your child may ask when they will see your departed loved one a week later. You will need to patiently explain that they are not coming back all over again.
Children process death in bits and pieces, so it is not uncommon for them to need you to be persistent with explaining what has happened. Let them process the death at their own rate, and always answer their questions with honesty, directness, and patience.
You might locate an age-appropriate book on death and read it together. An explanation from another source may offer your child a more complete picture of what death means. If the child can read independently, the book can be a useful resource for them to consult when you are not around to answer their questions.
How to Tell When a Child Is Struggling with Grief
If you have more than one child, you may see each child coping with the loss differently. We all have our ways of dealing with grief, which is normal.
Some children may seem unaffected by the death. Some may go from crying to playing with friends seamlessly. A child may even feel angry at your loved one for dying and leaving them behind. None of this is abnormal.
You do want to be on alert for certain signs that a child is struggling with grief. Behavioral problems or regressing to earlier behaviors may occur. Your child may have difficulty sleeping or have nightmares. You may notice changes in their mood, or they may seem anxious or depressed. They may find it difficult to concentrate, or their appetite may change. They may be more socially withdrawn and even refuse to go to school or play with friends. They may begin to believe the world is unsafe. Teens may resort to drugs and alcohol.
If these problems are not frequent or intense, you may just want to check in with your child and see how they are processing grief. It may help if you give the child more attention and continue your conversations about how to process death and grieve.
When to Consider Grief Counseling
If any of the signs we discussed become more intense or persist for more than 6 months, your child may benefit from grief counseling. Additionally, if your child experiences suicidal thoughts, speak to a mental health professional immediately.
Should My Child Attend Funeral Services?
There is no easy answer to this question. Some people like to leave the choice up to the child. It is not recommended to pressure a child to attend a funeral service.
Of course, you still want to talk through the options with your child as well as the benefits and downsides of attending a funeral service. You may find this resource helpful as you explain what a funeral is, how to act, and why people have them.
If your child does not want to attend the funeral, you could give them the option to hold their own mini memorial service where they share memories or plan to take them to the gravesite after the funeral.
If you are attending a funeral at The Gardens of Boca Raton, our experienced funeral professionals will be happy to talk you through difficult questions like whether to bring a child to a funeral service.
