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The death of a loved one is overwhelming, and most of us don’t know what to do when someone dies. One of the most difficult tasks can be sorting through the belongings of your lost loved one. Getting rid of their things can be painful because it feels like you are throwing away your memories together and removing the traces of their life. Their things feel like more than just “stuff.”
Now that they’re gone, memories and their things are all you have left to remember them by, which can make you hesitant to throw anything away. If your loved one was older and had accumulated a lifetime of objects, it can feel even more overwhelming. Still, sorting through their belongings and determining their rightful place can be a valuable part of the grieving process. Remember, bereavement is normal and everyone has to process grief in their own ways to start moving on.
Read on to learn more about this important step in what to do after someone dies.
It’s just stuff, but it feels like so much more. As you’re making funeral plans or planning a memorial service, getting a death certificate, contacting financial institutions, settling the estate, and going through your grief process, sorting through your family member’s things feels like an insurmountable task. The key to this challenging project is breaking it down into smaller tasks and ensuring you have the right perspective.
Don’t feel bad about getting rid of things. It’s not feasible to keep everything. They’re just objects, and it’s possible to hold your loved one’s memory close to your heart without these things. You can keep the things that are most meaningful to you and anyone else who was close to your lost loved one and find homes for less significant objects where new owners will appreciate them.
You deserve kindness as you cope with this loss. You are not betraying the memory of your loved one by throwing away items. You’re winnowing down what they’ve left behind to the most meaningful or useful objects so that you can focus on them. In addition to the items you will use, think about the things you might hold or look at during those times when you want to remember and reflect on your loved one’s memory.
Everyone has their own timeline for going through the stages of grief, and the right time for you to sort through a loved one’s belongings may not be the same for someone else. It’s okay to take your time with this immense task. Maybe you like seeing your loved one’s things around the house or that their things are right where they last left them. Getting rid of their objects has a certain finality to it that can make their death seem more real, which can be scary for many people.
You don’t have to take on the task of sorting through their belongings right away. It may take months or years. You can take multiple passes at getting rid of items as you feel ready to do so. You may want to keep a lot of things initially, but as the years pass and you go through the healing process, you may realize that there are just a few meaningful objects you want to keep.
It’s normal to feel guilty about throwing away their things. It’s common to feel like getting rid of their stuff dishonors their memory in some way. It’s just stuff, though, and it simply isn’t practical for most of us to keep it all.
Instead, focus on the joy others will get from the objects, whether that’s a family member who might want something or a random stranger who might purchase it at a thrift shop. Your loved one’s things brought them joy in life, and they can still bring others joy when you pass them on.
Creating a plan for this challenging project can make it seem more manageable. The plan needs to work for you and can be based on how you want to tackle this project.
If you have to sell your loved one’s home soon, you may not have the luxury of taking your time to sort through everything. If that’s the case, a plan is even more critical.
You only have so much space in your home, and it’s probably not practical to keep everything. You can come up with criteria for determining whether you will keep something. A few questions can guide you through this process:
Formulating your own questions can help you be realistic and practical as you examine each item.
When you imagine which items you will get rid of, is there a category of stuff that first comes to mind? Which task in your plan feels the easiest? Maybe you think it will be easy to sort through a junk drawer, or perhaps you know you want to give your loved one’s pots and pans to a nephew who is about to move to his first apartment. Start with whatever seems easiest. This can help you build momentum and make the project feel more manageable.
Deciding whether to keep or part with items is emotionally draining. That’s true of sorting through your own things, which is why decluttering experts recommend that you take your time. It is especially true when you’re going through a loss and must sort through a departed loved one’s things.
You may struggle with feeling guilty, and every item can trigger bittersweet memories of your time together and remind you of how sad you are that they are gone. You might be surprised at the objects that can provoke intense feelings.
It’s perfectly fine to work for 10- or 20-minute sessions. If you force yourself to work for more extended periods, you will exhaust yourself and are more likely to hold off on chipping away at this overwhelming task.
It can be difficult to get rid of objects because you fear that you might miss them later, but you can trust your gut about what to discard, give away, or sell. If you are worried about making a decision you will regret later, there’s a trick to test whether you’ll miss certain items.
You can box up any items you’re on the fence about and tuck them away in a garage or closet. See how you feel without having access to them. If you miss them, you can always retrieve them, but if a few months pass without you giving them a second thought, then you know it’s okay to get rid of them.
Going through your loved one’s possessions is a significant and overwhelming task. It helps if you don’t have to face it alone. If you have a friend or family member who is good at organizing, enlist their help.
You may even consider bringing in professional help, especially if your lost loved one has a house you need to sell and you need to sort through their things quickly. Some companies specialize in these kinds of moves. Maybe you just need someone to keep you company while you face this difficult task.
You may need someone to help with other tasks so you can focus on getting rid of stuff. If needed, ask for help with everyday tasks, such as childcare or getting dinner on the table. Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. People often don’t know what to do when a death occurs, and they will be grateful that you’ve given them a concrete way to help.
You have a plan for sorting through the items, but what should the sorting categories be? Many people find it’s helpful to use these six categories:
The “not sure” category can be helpful. Going through your loved one’s belongings can be an ongoing process. In the fog of grief, you may not have a good sense of what an object means to you. It’s okay not to be sure about every item. You can go back to your “not sure” box over time and reevaluate.
Are you struggling with your lost loved one’s expectations about which items you should keep? You’re not alone. If you have lost someone from an older generation like a parent or grandparent, they may have different values for passing on family heirlooms.
In the past, cherished heirlooms and mementos were passed from generation to generation. There might even be disagreements among adult siblings over who got mom’s tea service or fine china. At one time, you might proudly display these family heirlooms in a china cabinet and point to them when you told your children stories about their grandmother.
Lifestyles have changed, though. China cabinets are now a rarity in most homes, and younger generations see their dinner plates and serving dishes as more disposable. They buy fun, trendy pieces from big box stores like Ikea and Target. Trends like minimalism mean that many people are more selective about the objects they keep in their homes and stick to just the essentials. Grandma’s gravy boat may not make the cut.
There are complex economic, social, and cultural reasons why we no longer want to keep as many items that once belonged to older generations. As Denise Crosby put it in a column for the Chicago Tribune, “Auctioneers and appraisers, junk haulers and moving companies all seem to be echoing the same thing: The market is flooded with baby boomer rejects. And they cite a number of reasons our kids are turning down the possessions we so generously offer to them. They rent rather than own, live in smaller spaces, collect more digital than physical items, and tend to put their money toward experiences rather than things.”
You may feel bad if you and your departed loved one had different ideas about what you should keep. This is a common problem when a loved one passes. Some people address it by renting a storage unit or using a spare bedroom for these unwanted items. Eventually, you will realize this is not practical. It only delays the inevitable and keeps the objects from being used by people who might value them.
It’s important to remember that many people are dealing with this problem, and you are not responsible for these shifts in thinking around inherited objects. If you can, find a way to make peace with letting go of these objects. Some people like to take photographs of the objects before selling or donating them. You could try having an estate sale and donating the proceeds to your loved one’s favorite charity. Or you could put the money toward a family trip that honors their memory.
At The Gardens of Boca Raton, we have counseled many people who are coping with the death of a loved one and are faced with the difficult task of sorting through their belongings. We seek to offer families peace of mind during a difficult time. Most people are unsure of what to do when someone dies, and that’s where a good funeral director can help. If you have an immediate need for funeral arrangements, contact us immediately.
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