After a formal funeral, there may be something called a repass — a time for family members and friends to gather, eat, drink, and mingle in a less formal environment. A repass, also known as a repast to some, can be a major relief to the immediate family and closest loved ones who have been through a difficult day. During a repass, food and drinks are served while loved ones can gather, let down the formality they’ve been holding to for the day, and maybe shift their thinking a bit. Repasses are particularly prevalent in the Haitian culture. However, non-Haitian people may have similar events referred to by different names.
It’s common to hear people laughing, crying, or both at the same time at a repass while they decompress and process with each other. A funeral is an intense shared experience for those closest to the deceased, and having been through the experience together, the repass comes as a welcome endcap to a challenging process.
The truth is that for many families, funerals may be one of the only times that all family members are together, so while the main reason for the gathering is to grieve a loss, they are also family reunions, in a sense, and the repass is the time for family members and loved ones to catch up on each others’ personal lives. A repass can take place in any number of locations, including a family home, a function hall, a place of worship, or even a restaurant (you will need to make booking arrangements with the restaurant if that is your plan).
Remember that The Gardens at Boca Raton is here to help you plan all of the details of your funeral, and if a repass is something that you would like to consider, then we will be happy to discuss it. Contact us right away to get started on planning a funeral that properly honors your loved one.
Supporting the Bereaved: Etiquette for Offering Condolences at a Funeral Repass
When you are attending a repass, you may still want to offer your condolences, but remember that this is not a wake or funeral. This is a time for the family to decompress, to take their mind off of their grief, and to mingle with family and loved ones. You usually don’t need to be as buttoned up at a repass (this will vary on a case-by-case basis, though, so use your discretion and judgment), and you won’t be greeting family in a line. This is a time for healing, and one of the best ways to offer your condolences at a repass is to share your favorite memories and stories of the deceased with the host family.
At some repasses, there may be the opportunity for brief speeches or stories to honor the dead. If you feel that you have an appropriate story to share or would like to offer your own memories of the deceased, speak with the people who are facilitating the repass to see if you will be able to take a moment to offer your words. A repass is a time for healing and gathering, so you can share a lighthearted story, and it will be as fitting as sharing a deeply heartfelt, emotional story. The nature of your story or speech is up to you.
If the repass is at a family home or somewhere else that isn’t professionally staffed, a great way to offer your support is by helping with tasks or chores around the space. This could be something like shuttling empty plates and bowls to a kitchen, doing the dishes, or anything else that seems like it needs to be attended to. Sometimes those who are grieving the most may throw themselves into all of the chores and can exhaust themselves. Helping these people can help them in a few ways: one, by making sure that they are not doing all of the work around the repass, and two, giving them someone nearby who can offer their support simply by being present and taking part in the work they are doing. Even small talk while helping can be a great way to connect with someone, and your presence will remind them that they are surrounded by supportive loved ones.
The most important thing that you can do at a funeral repass is to be prepared to provide emotional support for those you love. Check in with the family and loved ones, offer hugs, and be ready to let people cry into your shoulder. During a funeral, the closest family members of the deceased will often clamp down on their emotions, and the repass is a time when they can let down their guards and allow themselves to experience the full wave of feelings that they have avoided throughout the day.
Rituals and Ceremonies at Funeral Repass: Honoring the Deceased
Depending on things like the religious, social, and cultural traditions of the deceased and the surviving family, there may be certain rituals or ceremonies at the repass you are either attending or planning. Here are a few of the most common:
Sharing Memories
One of the most common rituals at a repass is when people have the chance to share their favorite memories and stories about the deceased. These can be formal speeches, shared casually while chatting, or even boisterous memories shared during a meal. Everyone attending the repass will love to hear the different memories and stories from different times in the deceased’s life from a number of different friends and family members.
Prayers or Religious Rituals
Depending on the deceased’s religious beliefs, there may be a pause in the repass for prayers or certain religious ceremonies. It may be a group prayer led by a family member, or it could be a complete religious service. This is all up to the family of the deceased and the religious and cultural expectations around death.
Food and Drinks
You can expect a variety of foods at a repass. Depending on cultural attitudes around alcohol, there may be alcoholic beverages served as well. Some repasses can become quite rambunctious as guests imbibe and share in laughter, grief, and fond memories of the deceased.
Music
Music is a staple in most cultures as a way to express emotions and feelings that may be otherwise ineffable, and many people use music as a way to process events. People may join in group singing, listen to favorite songs, or play music that the deceased loved.
Dress Code for Funeral Repass: Proper Attire and Etiquette
If you are going to a funeral repass, you may already be dressed as you were at the funeral. Depending on whether the funeral itself was formal, semi-formal, or casual, you can reference the dress code expectations from the funeral as your guide on how to dress for the repass.
Dress conservatively regardless, because this isn’t a time to draw attention to yourself or make a fashion statement. If you were attending a formal funeral, you may be able to dress down a bit by loosening your tie or swapping your formal footwear for a pair of flats.
The family may request a more casual dress code, and you will need to make sure that you’re dressed for the season either way.
Unless you are specifically instructed, don’t wear jeans, t-shirts, or “athleisure” out of respect for the deceased, the mourners, and all other attendees.
Funeral Repass Music: Setting the Tone for the Gathering
As we’ve already mentioned, music is an important tool in nearly all global cultures and religions for processing emotions, connecting with our hearts, and expressing feelings that aren’t captured well with only words. It can be challenging to choose the right music the reflect the atmosphere of loss, reflection, and remembrance, but here are a few ways to choose the right music for a repass:
Think of the Deceased’s Favorite Music
The best way to guide yourself to an appropriate playlist is to consider the deceased’s favorite musical artists, genres, and songs. Their taste could dictate the musical direction of what will be played at the repass, and can trigger a lot of fond memories from those listening.
Match the Mood
Make sure that the music you choose is reflective of the mood. It could be somber, or it may be joyful and uplifting. Music is an easy way to help people connect with nostalgic feelings, so you may actually be able to choose music that doesn’t seem to fit at first glance but will help honor and remember the deceased and their passions.
Live Music, or Recorded?
You may be able to consider having live music at certain venues, which could either be a solo musician or a band depending on your preferences. More accessible is a playlist that can be played through the venue soundsystem, or through a speaker that the family brings. Make sure that the venue is aware of your plans and is able to accommodate them before booking talent.
Cultural and Religious Music
Certain cultures and religious have traditional songs and music that are meant to be played to honor times of transition, such as death. These traditions offer a good starting point for choosing music if they are applicable to your situation.
