Most of us know how difficult it can be to lose a loved one, and when someone we care for is in this situation, we want to be able to offer a kind word. Writing a condolence card is a great way to send your words of kindness that the grieving loved ones can take a look at when they are ready. After a loss, people are often inundated with calls and visitors, so taking the time to put your words to paper can give them some emotional space and time before taking a look. It’s not necessary to deliver it to the receiver at the funeral home or cemetery.
However, writing a heartfelt note in a sympathy card can leave many of us coming up blank as we look for the words that are heartfelt and meaningful without sounding generic. Here is a guide on writing expressions of sympathy on a card that come from your heart.
Choose a Card
First things first, make sure that you pick a card that reflects the situation appropriately. This isn’t the time for a whimsical, flashy card or a sarcastic, humorous illustration. Subtle colors and soothing graphics should be your goal, and it’s important that you make sure the pre-written message is in alignment with the circumstances.
Your subjectivity and discretion will be important at this step and each subsequent step because you’ll need to consider what you know about the person you are sending the letter to, the person they lost, and your relationship. In some cases, it may actually be appropriate to pick a lighthearted card, but that will be an exception to the rule that only you can decide on.
Start With a Salutation
Make sure that you take the time to address the bereaved by their first name or the names of each family member if the letter is going to be sent to more than one person. If you are sending it to a whole family, you may also consider using the family name instead. You will need to use your instincts on this step, too when you are deciding whether to use a formal or informal salutation. Some examples of salutations include:
Formal Salutations
Use a formal salutation when you are writing to elders, professional superiors, or people that you have acquaintances with, but you do not know very well. If you aren’t sure of whether a formal or informal salutation is appropriate, it’s best to err on the side of caution so you don’t overstep personal boundaries.
- Dear Sir/Madam
- Dear [First Name]
- Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. [Last Name]
- Greetings [Name]
- To the Family of [Deceased Person]
Informal Salutations
An informal salutation is appropriate for closer relations and people you feel very familiar with. However, your specific culture may dictate that this isn’t appropriate either, so it’s important to use your best discretion. Again, if you aren’t sure of whether to use a formal or informal salutation, we would recommend you to use a formal greeting.
- Hi [First Name]
- My dearest [First Name]
- [First Name],
- Hey [First Name] (this is likely too informal even for your closest friends in their time of grieving)
Express Your Honest Condolences
Express your sorrow for their loved one’s passing. You can keep it simple, saying something like “I am deeply sorry for your loss” or “My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.” It’s best to keep it brief but genuine, especially if you are writing a card to someone you aren’t super close with.
Share a Memory
If you knew the deceased, share a fond memory of an experience you had with them, or express the way they made you feel when you were with them. You can say something like, “I will always remember the time we [experience], or “[Name] always made me feel like I was the only person in the room.”
If you didn’t know them, then it’s best to either skip this step entirely or offer any memory of times that the recipient of your letter had mentioned the deceased, if you can recall any.
Offer Your Support
When speaking to people who have recently lost a loved one, many people will give an open-ended offer of support, like “If you need anything, please let me know.” To us, this feels like a heartfelt and meaningful gesture, but for the grieving, this may not necessarily mean much. Offer something specific, like: “If you would like, I will make you and your family dinner on X night,” or “I can come over and clean your house on X day.” Practical and actionable support is the most helpful during this time.
Close With Warmth
You can end your note with something heartfelt and meaningful, like a wish for comfort, a quote that you remember during challenging times, or simply just an expression of your love and support.
Remember That There Is No Perfect Condolence
Death is challenging for all of us, and we often put too much pressure on ourselves to write the perfect note to help ease suffering. It’s your thought and effort that counts. Don’t get hung up on thinking your note sounds unoriginal because the recipient will be happy to know that you are remembering them during this difficult time, not analyzing your note for originality or ranking them by maximum impact.
